The “new” effect

I was watching a tv progamme yesterday that got me thinking about the “new'” effect in relationships. About the excitement and fun that comes with 'newness' which does not last long and fades away in time.

We probably have many names for it, the 6 month itch or the honeymoon period, etc. but I guess it all boils down to the fact that - what starts off as something new, thrilling and exciting will always fade into something…well...old. There is no avoiding it.

When things are still new, we're all out to impress and please. We're on our best behaviours especially the wooing party which most likely would be the man. He’d probably go out of his way to satisfy your whims and fancies. And you’d probably go out of your way making him feel that he’s an amazing guy to be doing all that. But how long does this last?

Back to the tv programme, this couple who started off great, had so much fun in the beginning, ended up fighting and arguing about the littlest things. They were sitting across each other at dinner one night and she asks him.. ‘What happened to us? We used to be so much fun… you used to eat noodles off my back forgodsake! And now….’

And I could relate. When I think back to some of the relationships I’ve had, there is always this turning point when the things you did together just stopped being as fun, the things you said as funny, and the time spent together as exciting. What you might have tolerated before becomes not as tolerable anymore. And the worst is when you see him not doing the same things for you as he did before. When he starts saying no to the things he would not have hesitated to say yes to and when he’d rather be out with his buddies when once he’d have blown them off to be with you.

In all honesty, I’ve never been able to reconcile this. When this happened to me, I remember getting really worked up. Of course being caught up in the relationship and never being able to see it from the outside, my responses have typically been picking up fights, storming off after the fights and then becoming needy with lines such as ‘you don’t care about me anymore…’.

Which leads me to wonder, how do couples move past this? How do they decide, ‘Look, I know the whole “new” deal is over, but I still want to be with you’ and make it work? How do you get past the fact that he might rather be out with other people than with you… or that you can’t find much to talk about anymore when once two hour conversations flew by in a flash…or …when you don’t just want to lie in and laze in each others company anymore? What do you do, when the newness gets old?

Long distance

"i sent you this sms but i doubt you got it . i want you to hear it . i dont want to just hear your voice. thats so lame. i wanted to talk about how i was starting my new job tomorrow. i wanted to talk about this guy who gave me a little pillow in a shape of a heart that said 'u r special'. i wanted to know what you felt about that. i wanted to tell you about how my classes are starting again soon. and how i have to face all that again. i wanted to hear how you miss me and why you want me in your life. i wanted to tell you about the movie i watched today and the book i am reading which is really interesting. i wanted to tell you that my hair is growing and it looks longer.. and i have pictures that i took last night. see i had so much to tell you. but you just said bye. yeah..so bye. times like this the distance is overpowering..."

The simple life

I wish I were less complicated. One of those easily pleased people whose needs are simple. Undemanding. Light. Unfortunately (for me), I am everything but.

I was driving through a palm oil estate earlier, and I saw some kids run by the side of the road laughing and I felt a twinge of wistfulness. When was the last time I felt that carefree? Then I saw a lady drying her clothes on a wire outside her house. And I wondered what her problems might be. Children. Husband. Dinner. I’m just guessing.

I asked myself if I could live here. Like this. In an estate, surrounded by palm oil trees, the nearest town perhaps a 30km drive, and far away from civilization. My version of civilization that is; in the likes of high rise offices, heavy traffic, oversized shopping malls,each new one larger than the last and clubs that stay open till 5am. My automatic response was no way.

But when I think about it, I wonder why not? Is it because I’d actually miss the shopping malls which I can’t stand going to on the weekends because they get just so offensively crowded? Or would I miss being stuck in the horrendous traffic at any given hour in KL? Perhaps I’d miss out on the rat race - the thrill of working in an office from sunrise to dusk, doing a job that brings so little meaning to anyones life least alone mine, dealing with irksome demands by the bosses and incessant deadlines which if you miss, spells the end of the world. But hey, if I pull out now – whose going to pay for my car or the new service residence I want to buy? And what about the weekend parties… the all night clubbing and drinking till dawn, celebrating the end of a tiresome, seemingly endless week?

I guess, I have been programmed to fit this lifestyle regardless how unhappy it might be making me. I’m stuck with a bunch of financial commitments including a loan that paid for my education which led to my line of work, which got me caught up in the rat race that fed a greedy dream to be successful. And along the way bought some bullshit on how living this life, wearing these shoes, driving this car, carrying this handbag and living in this condo is the definition of success.

What a fucking joke.

Little miss cynical

I guess it has been a long time coming. Inevitable really. The cynic in me rising and rising, becoming more difficult to shut up with every passing date. Every passing guy.

'K' the guy I went out on a my 1st ever blind date

Background: He was someone with a speech disorder. He began and ended each sentence with the phrase 'you know or not'. I didn't pick it up at first because he utters it really fast but I really had to hold in my horrified laughter when he uttered it to the waiter while placing his order. It went something like "you know or not.. I'd like a glass of beer...you know or not" which of course left the waiter giving him a confused look. Anyway, despite this major impairment (in my books) I went on to entertain his calls and smses subsequent to the date.

What went wrong: He just couldn't bloody ask me out. And that is just such a big turn off. He gave me hints, called me usually around dinner time and kept asking where I was - but never came right out and asked me out. Why don't men get that hints just don't cut it. If you like her just ask her out. Seriously whats the worst that could happen? The damnest thing here is I might have met him again if he asked...speech disorder and all!

Conclusion: Boy with no guts (and no friends who cared enough to suggest speech theraphy to him)

Mr. Bangkok (my 2nd fix-up)

Background: Okay, I actually enjoyed my date with this dude. He was funny. Charming. Nice smile and all. We talked, we laughed and I was actually pretty comfortable. However, at one point as we were ordering food, I asked him if he had a preference as we wanted to share a bite, he told me "I'm easy". Uh oh. Too familiar. That is what Mr. Stupid always said to me whenever we ordered. Of course I tried to brushoff that momentary lapse into the past, but as I sat before him after that, everything started reminding me of him. And I remember thinking to myself - now you know why so comfortable. Fuck.

So what went wrong: Hmmm.. now let me see. Other than the fact that he reminded me of a certain someone else, I thought Mr. Bangkok had potential. He even had good follow up getting in touch with me the following day. But after one exchange of email back and forth (he lives in Bangkok), I haven't heard from him since. And its been about 3 weeks...

Conclusion: Long-distance is a no go.

Mr McDreamy

Background: Also another fix me up. But I was actually excited about this one (he was a neurosurgeon). Having McDreamy ideas in my head, I actually prettied myself up deciding to wear a dress instead of my usual jeans. Shallow of me to judge a guy based on his profession - of course i got bit in the ass later for this cause turns out even if you're a fucking brain doctor, you can be as clueless and dense as half the male population out there. Anyway, the date - I was pleasantly surprised that he was good looking (no McDreamy of course) and tall. With a really, really nice smile and down-to-earth feel. So down-to-earth that I felt a little overdressed. He was in a collared t-shirt and dockers. So much for dressing up for a saturday night date with a neurosurgeon. The conversation we had was decent. The flirtation wasn't too bad either. He asked for my number at the end. Walked me down the street to where my friends were at after the date and said good-bye.

What went wrong: I don't know. I initiated contact about 2 days after the date thinking that maybe this time around some effort on my part might be good especially since I liked the guy. He responded politely. And that was it. For a guy who so enthusiastically asked for my number during the date, this lack of enthusiasm after was more than a little perplexing. Which left me wondering if maybe I was bad at reading these signals.

Conclusion: He's just not that into ?

Typing out the above has exhausted me. I mean seriously, is it me or is it that these are generally the men that are left out there?

Hangovers

I'm sitting in bed suffering from a horrible hangover. I didn't think I had that much to drink - but apparently I had. And on an empty stomach.

Last night I was on this Disney on Ice date which turned out to be pretty good...very PG rated. And later clubbing which wasn't on the initial itenirary.

Crap. I can't hold on to my train of thoughts right now. And I feel a headache creeping in. My stomach is churning. I have been in bed the whole day feeling like this.

Alcohol is bad. It just leaves too many bad tastes in your mouth. When will I learn!

Blind date virgin

I have a date tomorrow. More specifically a blind date. And this would mark my official first blind date.

Why I actually agreed to this is a whole other story!

I don't know much about him (lets call him 'K') except that he is in his early thirties, an engineer and he goes to the gym.

I'd like to say I'm going with zero expectation but that would be a lie. I'm hoping he'd be cute enough and funny enough to keep me entertained during the night. And nice enough that I would want to go out with him again. Well, a girl can hope!

Here's keeping my fingers crossed.

One night stands

Who's to say a woman can't enjoy a one night stand.

I'm still a little heady from the rush of my little encounter two nights ago. It was unexpected which added to the excitement. Plus, he was cute.

After my last few emotional disasters in the bedroom this past year, what happened two nights ago was extremely liberating. No emotional attachment. No expectations. And well some real carnal action. We were both a little drunk and the location required us to perform some acrobatic stunts, but it was more the novelty of getting some action than actually getting any REAL action that kept us going at it. It was funny at parts, and now when I think about it way reckless.

But mostly it was just fun.

Till I woke up the next day late for a meeting.

But for now, I'm one very naughtily satisfied woman.

Letter to the @$#%hole

Dearest (NOT!) Mr.Stupid,

My arrogant pride will stop me from sending this letter to you ever. Even letting you know I'm angry at you somehow feels like I'm revealing a weakness.

I'll never forgive you for the way you treated me. Someone you claimed to be a friend but you could not stop to take the time to talk things out. Especially when you knew I so badly wanted to talk. That I was hurting pretty bad yet still desperately trying to save us. Whatever was left of this 'friendship'. One that seemed we were both just set out to destroy with one stupid behaviour after another. One unforgiveable act after another. I wanted to talk things out, to try set the record straight. To have you say to my face what you really should and to let me just spill out whatever I'm feeling too. To get pass this limbo and just move on. I'm sure we could have, if only you'd have bothered to listen.

I hate you. I hate you for being a coward. And I hate you for the way you treated me. And I hate you for making me feel this way.

I know I'm flawed too. And if I gave you a chance you'll list every single one of my faults down and rub it in my face. But this is my letter. And I'm saying - I HATE YOU.

You had the audacity to talk to a friend about how you felt about me. Painted yourself to be a matyr I'm sure. Of course you claimed to be blameless. I'm the one who expected too much. I'm the one who wanted more. I'm the one who gave you a hard time. You told her things you should have told me. And I was really mad at you for it. Still am.

If I didn't behave the way a friend should have, you were much much worse. You led me on every step of the freaking way. Then you claimed innocent of every single act, every single line you uttered to me. But like a fool I was blinded by your easy charm and even easier smile.

Falling for you would be something I'd be able to live with. On my defense, you were an easy person to love. Or to want to love.

But what I'll not forgive or forget is how you decided to end it. How you didn't have the decency to hear me out. And how you went back on your promise to be my friend for always. No matter what. How you said you'd always be there for me - that I could rely on that much.

Such fat fucking lies.

I guess I should have known better. I mean words are just words. I've always held myself back from trusting people who say these things. I've always thought myself to be smarter than that.

I just thought you were different.

How bloody lame that sounds now.

Never again. Never EVER again.

And I'll get over you. I know I will. And I refuse to shed another tear for you.