I deserve better.

I've been repeating these words in my head like a mantra. This past week, it is how I greet myself in the mornings. I wake up and my mind, as a habit, starts thinking about him. But instead of allowing myself to wallow in some sentimental, nostalgic thought, I shake it off and tell myself, I deserve better.

Because you know what? I do. 

I mean I know this. It is not an overnight realisation. It is not something that just suddenly came to me. I know this. I demand quality in almost all aspects of my life. My family, my friends, my job, where I live, the places I eat.

I work hard and I get paid well for it. I have been blessed with a supportive, loving family. I mean we have our issues but underlying all that is a steady, unwavering love which keeps me strong even in my darkest moments. And my friends... I have no time for wayward friends.

I generally eat well. I take care of my body. My studio is cosy and comfortable because I've made it so. I love going back to my place to unwind after a long day at work. I've filled it with photographs of happy memories, little plants, plenty of books, my travel artifacts and scented candles. The rent is costly, but I pay it because I deserve a good place to live. I bought myself a decent car because I wanted one to drive around. I buy myself gorgeous shoes because I basically deserve those little treats. I spend money on manicures and pedicures and facials and spas and little holidays because I deserve all of this.

So why is it, when I demand for so much from basically all aspects of my life, do I settle for so little when it comes to a boy? Why do I make excuses for him and tell myself it is OK that he did not show on the day we were supposed to meet to have our 'talk'? Why did I so readily accept his apology the next day when he claimed 'some things came up'... when I knew he was deliberately avoiding me? Why did I excuse his behaviour based on some bullshit that I've been fed that says guys hate confrontation and so it makes it OK for him to not show? Newsflash - I hate confrontations too, but I'm willing to do it because WE FUCKING HAVE ISSUES TO RESOLVE!

And that's just the tip of the iceberg. Talking to a friend last Thursday showed me just how many excuses I was making for him. All to justify me continuing to see him, talk to him and be with him. The cherry on the icing has to be when I told her "You know, I feel if I gave up on him, there might not be anyone else who'd really be there for him. He is that isolated."

She looked at me and said what any good friend would in that situation "Babe, that honestly is his problem. You should take care of yourself first, don't you think?"

Hmm. Succinct.

So, no doubt he has been my friend. No doubt he has cheered me up when I was feeling down. No doubt we have fun when we are together.

But, we have crossed lines that friends should not have crossed. We have said and done things which make a platonic relationship impossible. All that loving in the dark, forbidden touches, whispers of sweet nothings, only to be greeted by the harsh light of the next day, where he pretends I didn't spend the night in his arms and I pretend it's fine, because I don't want to bloody rock the boat - it is not what I want.

Because guess what, I fucking deserve better.

Letter to the @$#%hole

Dearest (NOT!) Mr.Stupid,

My arrogant pride will stop me from sending this letter to you ever. Even letting you know I'm angry at you somehow feels like I'm revealing a weakness.

I'll never forgive you for the way you treated me. Someone you claimed to be a friend but you could not stop to take the time to talk things out. Especially when you knew I so badly wanted to talk. That I was hurting pretty bad yet still desperately trying to save us. Whatever was left of this 'friendship'. One that seemed we were both just set out to destroy with one stupid behaviour after another. One unforgiveable act after another. I wanted to talk things out, to try set the record straight. To have you say to my face what you really should and to let me just spill out whatever I'm feeling too. To get pass this limbo and just move on. I'm sure we could have, if only you'd have bothered to listen.

I hate you. I hate you for being a coward. And I hate you for the way you treated me. And I hate you for making me feel this way.

I know I'm flawed too. And if I gave you a chance you'll list every single one of my faults down and rub it in my face. But this is my letter. And I'm saying - I HATE YOU.

You had the audacity to talk to a friend about how you felt about me. Painted yourself to be a matyr I'm sure. Of course you claimed to be blameless. I'm the one who expected too much. I'm the one who wanted more. I'm the one who gave you a hard time. You told her things you should have told me. And I was really mad at you for it. Still am.

If I didn't behave the way a friend should have, you were much much worse. You led me on every step of the freaking way. Then you claimed innocent of every single act, every single line you uttered to me. But like a fool I was blinded by your easy charm and even easier smile.

Falling for you would be something I'd be able to live with. On my defense, you were an easy person to love. Or to want to love.

But what I'll not forgive or forget is how you decided to end it. How you didn't have the decency to hear me out. And how you went back on your promise to be my friend for always. No matter what. How you said you'd always be there for me - that I could rely on that much.

Such fat fucking lies.

I guess I should have known better. I mean words are just words. I've always held myself back from trusting people who say these things. I've always thought myself to be smarter than that.

I just thought you were different.

How bloody lame that sounds now.

Never again. Never EVER again.

And I'll get over you. I know I will. And I refuse to shed another tear for you.