Should a guy pay...

...on a first date?

I’ve been asking myself this since I went on a date with another guy from Match.com. I really liked his profile and he had a nice smile (yes, yes I'm a sucker for a cute smile). I’ll call him… Mr. Maybe.

When we exchanged numbers, he called almost immediately. The first time we spoke for about 15 minutes. The next day he called again and we spoke for an hour and half – which was not usual for me. But he was able to converse on a variety of subjects, he was funny and he kinda 'got' me. I was pleasantly surprised. He didn’t ask me out right away which was good – not desperate I thought. And when he did finally ask me out 2 days later, it was very casual and I agreed immediately.

The date itself wasn’t too bad... so much as first dates go. The chemistry wasn’t fantastic but it was enjoyable in a light-hearted kind of way.

He was 25 minutes late, but very apologetic about it. Apparently he had to work at the last minute. There was a que at the restaurant we went to and the only available section was the smoking side so we sat there, next to the bar. He lit a cigarette as soon as we sat but not before asking ‘do you mind’? I didn’t know how to say ‘yes, I do mind’ so instead I smiled and shook my head.

We ordered drinks. And chatted a bit about our travelling adventures. Well, his travelling adventures mostly. He asked me if I’d been to the US…I said no. He then ventured to tell me what a great place it was and gave me a very detailed account of one of his camping trips where he’d almost encountered a bear. The bear story continued for quite a bit, but it was alright..like I said, he was amusing enough. But I couldn’t help thinking that perhaps if he stopped talking for a bit and asked a little more questions, he’d find that I’ve been to some pretty cool places too. Only he didn’t.

We talked some more trivial stuff. Ordered our food. Exchanged jokes. Drank some more. It was 10.30pm, about 2 and a half hours into our date when my phone buzzed. I was supposed to meet some friends for drinks after. I was told that if the date went well, I should bring him along. After a tiny mental battle whether I should or should not, I decided to ask him. I wasn’t having too bad a date and it might be a good time to see if he was cool to hang out with at a club. But he said he couldn’t - apparently needing to take his parents to church early the next morning. I teased him about being a mummy’s boy. He laughed it off saying no, he isn’t... normally.

Then the weirdest thing happened. The bill came. Out of habit, I pulled my wallet out and took out a couple of notes. Usually (in fact, on all of my previous first dates) what happens next is the guy will tell me to put my wallet away and pay. And I allow it because really, as strange is this sounds, I like it when a man takes charge at the end of a date by footing the bill. It isn’t about the money. It is about being a gentleman… and knowing how to treat a lady. Same as opening the door for her or pulling out the chair for her. And no, I don’t expect the guy to foot all the bills for all our dates.. just the first ones, especially when it is the guy who asks me out. If ever we did go out on a second date, I’d insist on paying. If he didn’t let me, then there are things to consider like perhaps he's a chauvinist, which is a whole other can of worms and a topic for another day.

Anyway, what happened here, is that when I took my wallet out, he took the money I offered, added a couple of notes of his own to it and paid the waiter. When the change came, we split the change in half. I was left thinking, that maybe this wasn’t a romantic date after all.. perhaps he just wants to be friends?

After that he walked me to my car. When we reached the car, he turned to me, looked me in the eye, leaned forward and gave me a hug which lingered slightly longer than a 'just friends' hug should. Then he said that he would really, really like to see me again. Hmmm. Definitely more than friends vibe now. It was pretty confusing.

When I reached the club, I threw the question to all the guys who were at my table.. ‘when you take a girl out on a first date.. do you pay for the date?’. Every one of them gave a very emphatic and resounding ‘YES!’.

So, here are my musings...

Should the guy foot the bill on first dates?

And the big question - should I give Mr. Maybe another chance? (He's asked me out already... I'm stalling)

And the men get bitchy...

I have been ignoring calls and texts from Mr. Cricket and Mr.Texter, both of whom I met on Match.com.

Cricket
Cricket and I went on one date which lasted over one margarita before I excused myself to go home to have dinner… alone. He wanted to meet me the next day but I told him I couldn’t.. making up a really far fetched excuse about having to bathe my aunts dogs. He messaged me the following day ‘So, forgotten about me already? ;)’. I didn’t reply. And I never realised how lame and needy that line sounded, even as a joke - I've used it before on Mr.P, when I hadn't heard from him as soon as I wanted..and this after sleeping with him. Damnit.

Anyway, Cricket called me that night… I just didn’t feel like answering and I didn't. Two days later he messaged asking if something was wrong. I guess I could have told him I wasn’t interested (though I felt I’d given him enough hints.. I mean seriously how thick can you be?). But I wasn’t in the mood to go into discussions of 'whys' and 'why nots', so I told him ‘I’m kinda going through some personal stuff right now. Can’t deal with anything else. I’ll call you.’ Which wasn’t exactly a lie. I had an uncle in the hospital and I was busy chauffeuring my aunts and relatives around. But mostly I was putting off dealing with him, hoping that he’d get it finally when I don’t call him again...ever.

Texter
Texter and I never even got to our first date because his messages were so random and weird and difficult to understand that I just stopped replying. His last message to me despite the fact that I’d ignored 5 of his previous texts… ‘gd mrng gorgeous. hp u hv a wonderful dy..otw 2 wrk?’. I wasn’t even out of bed yet when my phone beeped with this message. It annoyed the hell out of me. I have no clue what runs through someone's mind when they send texts like these..

Anyway, thanks to these two, I hadn’t logged on to Match for a while.. until last weekend.

Apparently, my sessions on Match have been tracked. Both Cricket and Texter who remained mostly silent as long as I wasn’t logged on to Match, once they realized I was still on it, responded in ways I never thought men ever would…

The first was an email from Cricket…

“Guess I won't be hearing from you again. I had already expected it but it would have been nice if you had at least been honest with me.”

Huh???

Dude, we’ve only been on one date…what’s with the drama?

And then, as I was still trying to wrap my head around that email…I realised Texter had deleted me from his Facebook account.


Well, I guess I deserved that.

Date # 2...not!

Date Number Two from Match.com was supposed to be with a guy I’m going to call Mr. Texter. He had a decent profile picture, a cute smile and was nicely skinny. He seemed normal enough in his profile and we had almost identical matches.

But the date never happened. And here’s why…

Mr. Texter and I exchange a couple of emails before I pass him my number. The 1st text I receive,

‘hy gorgeous, tx 4 passin me ya no. hv a nc day’

I’m put off with his texting style. But decide to give him a chance. So I reply him ‘Sure. And thanks, you too’

That night he texts me again asking me if I was free to talk. I don’t see the text till very late and don’t bother replying till the next morning. I say ‘Hey, good morning. Sorry, but I fell asleep pretty early last night.’

I get this reply ‘gd mrng princess. na wriez. conv 2 talk nw?’

Firstly, why on earth was he calling me princess? And, what the hell was ‘na wriez’??

After I took a moment to decipher this, I realize he meant ‘no worries’. Despite the sirens going off in my head, I replied ‘Hey, I’m at work now. Best if you call me after work, say after 7pm?’

He says OK. I just said a silent prayer that he spoke better than he typed and soon was too consumed with work to think about him.

About lunch time, I get a text from him saying ‘hy gal, hws ya dy so far? al gd I hope. js hd lunch. hd urs? ’

Now. Why did he need to know that? We haven’t had a proper conversation so far and he’s asking me about my lunch? I don’t reply.

Anyway, that’s not the worst of it.

Since I’d told him to call me after 7, I was expecting him to just pick up the phone and call. But no, I get another text from him at 10.40pm ‘hy gal, hw ya doin? al gd? conv 2 talk nw?’

I stare at the text. Why was he doing this to me?

Irritated but also curious whether he'd finally call me I replied at 10.48pm, ‘Sure’.

I wait for the phone to ring. It doesn’t.

I get this text from him at 11.10pm... ‘hy gal, u aslp? conv 2 talk nw?’


I am really starting to have second thoughts about this whole internet dating thing….

Date # 1

After subscribing to Match.com, I had two dates planned over the weekend but one got rescheduled to this Thursday. So this is the story of how my date numero uno went with... (introducing) Mr. Cricket.


A good start...
Mr. Cricket sends me a message that is funny enough to make me respond although he isn't that much of a looker in his photos. He’s 39 and supposedly fit so hey, what the hell I thought. Fast forward a few emails, he gives me his number and says 'call me or message me if you're brave enough'. Before I can respond, he sends me this email...

'By the way...if you prefer that I call you, please give me your number and let me make the 1st move. After thinking about it, I thought that it was unfair of me to expect you to call when I really should be the one to call you. Until then, take care and have a great week ahead Miss Angry.'

Not bad I think, so I text him and we set the time and date for our little date. He doesn't mind meeting for lunch, coffee or dinner and asks me to choose. I pick coffee (duh!).

I get lazy…
I'd nothing much to do on Saturday, so I pop in a dvd and start on some housework. Before long, I abandon all attempts to clean my apartment and sit glued in front of the TV because the dvd I popped was Spartacus - Blood and Sand, a glorious galore of gorgeous men with the most beautiful bodies and as little cloth to cover it as possible.

So when the time comes for me to get ready for the date, I'm actually reluctant to switch off the dvd player. I start coming up with excuses to cancel in my head…then catch myself and scold myself into getting ready.

The descent…
I arrive on time for the date. Its really hot outside, so I'd chosen to wear a yellow, sleeveless, floral top paired with capri pants and sandals. I wait under some shade in front of Starbucks and check the time. He's eight minutes late. Slightly annoyed, I start typing him a text when my phone rings. Its him. I tell him I'm at Starbucks and he says he’ll meet me there. I wait and soon I see a guy walking purposefully toward me.

The first thing that strikes me as he reaches me: he's dressed all wrong. At temperatures of 36 degrees no less, he's wearing something that looks like a cross between a sweater and a long sleeve shirt tucked into jeans. Uh-oh.

He shakes my hand. Its sweaty and sticky. I notice he looks rounder than his profile pictures. Also, he's bald and I can see the sweat glistening on his shiny, bald head. I'm glad he doesn't move to hug me.

It gets worse…
I decide I need some alcohol to get through this although its only 5pm on a Saturday. So, we go to this little air-conditioned bar and I order margaritas and he has himself a long island iced tea.

I notice he is staring at me a lot. And I think I may have snot in my nose or something. I self-consciously look away and wonder if I should dash to the washroom to check.

Then he says ‘You’re gorgeous. Just like in your pictures’.

‘Why, thank you’ I say. But I really can’t bring myself to return the compliment because honestly, he looked better in the pictures.

The drinks come, and we talk about each others work, always a great conversation starter and I can see he loves what he does for a living as he delves into the details. I’m spacing out when we switch to family and some general stuff like what we love doing in our past time. He talks about cricket with a passion and tells me how he loves the game. I can’t relate. But you can see why he got the name.

Finally, the deal breaker…
I generally don’t talk about exes or past loves on a first date (even on 2nd or 3rds) because seriously, its just bad dating etiquette. Vague remarks or funny one-liners are okay but nothing more than that. But this guy, wow, this guy had no qualms telling me all about his love history starting from the first girl he dated whom his parents did not want to let him marry, to the girl he finally married. And subsequently divorced. And how he was so bitter and angry after the divorce. And how he met this girl from China soon after the divorce and he dated her for 6 months although the girl did not speak any English and he did not speak any Chinese.

I'm like what the fuck?

So, I ask him how he managed 6 months with someone without any verbal communication? He says with a glint in his eye, that they communicated physically and then adds… also with their hands.

Okay. Gross.

He probably catches the look of disbelieve (or disgust) on my face and moves to back track. Saying that she was really wonderful and that she really knew how to treat a man. Cook for him and clean for him. In fact, after a long days work when he came to pick her up, she would give him gentle massages in the car, rubbing his shoulders and ahem certain other parts. I don't ask for details.

The poor man doesn’t realize he's making it worse with every additional sentence he continues talking about this relationship. When I, as casually as I can, ask him, why they broke up?

His response... ‘I wasn’t ready for a commitment…’

I look at him incredulously. That was the reason? Not the fact that they could not talk to each other?

I keep all thought to myself and just smile at him.

Seriously, I think he’s free to enjoy whatever relationship he wishes. BUT my mind had shut off at this point from this date…AND worse was drifting back to Spartacus. I’d rather (in fact couldn’t wait to) get back and watch my TV show than sit with this guy and talk somemore.

The End…
I make a move to leave after our first (and only) drink finishes. He actually looks disappointed and says he was hoping this would turn to dinner. I politely decline. When I get home I receive this text from him…

‘Hi Miss Angry, tat was one of the nicest dates I hav been on. I like that u can meet my gaze ;)’


Sigh. Really?

I finally succumbed...

...to internet dating.

After some consideration and given the current state of my love life or rather lack of it, I decided to subscribe to Match.com two days ago. And I must say I have been pleasantly surprised.

In the last 48 hours, my profile has apparently been viewed 149 times and I have received 11 emails and countless winks including a wink from a 90 year-old man.

I was curious about the 90 year-old so I viewed his profile and I noticed he had put up around 10 pictures and had a very long write-up about himself and what he was looking for. He stressed on how fit he was and how he exercised regularly. His profile seemed so eager and hopeful that it struck a cord in me. Here is a guy at 90 who is still out there looking for love like the rest of us.

Then I thought, it bloody doesn’t get easier does it?

Dear god, if that was me at 90, I’d want to kill myself. I’d probably want to kill myself if that was me at 40.

Depressed suddenly, I decided to read through all the emails I’d received. Out of the 11, 3 looked promising. Their pictures were alright and the emails funny. So, I replied to all 3 and now I have 2 dates set for this weekend. Which isn’t bad I guess (?)

Then I went to check out the guys who had viewed me. As I perused through the pages, I saw one guy who looked familiar. I clicked on his profile and realized he was a guy I’d been on a date with a while back, whom I thought was incredibly cute but who hadn’t made a move to ask me out after the date. Since I had found him oh-so-cute, I asked him out instead, to which he politely declined claiming some work commitments. So I wrote him off thinking he wasn’t interested. Later my friend who had set us up told me he had met another girl very soon after he went on that date with me and they had hooked up almost immediately.

So, what then was he doing here? And he’d been active in the last 24 hours!

Remembering how cute I’d found him, I asked my friend of his status but she didn’t know. I did the next thing I could think of. I stalked him on FB. His relationship status was back to single (yes, yes I stalked him before too) and the pictures of him tagged with the girl he’d been seeing had been removed. So, was he single again?

Saying a silent whoppee I decided to message him on FB and not on Match though perhaps I should have done it the other way around…

My message to him (when it seemed like a good idea) said…

“Hey. Didn't we meet once through that thing that Miss S set-up a while back? I can't remember when but I know we met at Chilis. Anyway, you popped up in the people you may know thingy and I thought you looked familiar, decided to say hi. So hows life and the dating going? ;)”

He hasn’t replied.

Crap.

I actually wish now I hadn’t sent the message at all. Why did I message him so impulsively without thinking it through? I’m pretty sure now he knows that I’ve viewed him on Match AND that I’ve stalked him on FB (no matter how blasé I tried to make my message sound). Nobody wants a stalker....!

Okay, so tell me what you think… how lame was it of me to message him that way? And should I even be expecting a response?