The ghost of boyfriend past

Photo credit

He pursued me relentlessly. I kept bumping into him everywhere. The cafeteria, the library, the common area, on my walk back across the huge field after classes, in that little convenience shop on campus. At first I thought it was coincidence. Later I found out it was by design. He was stalking me.

The first conversation I had with him was when I sneaked away from playing squash with my friends into the campus empty hall to play the piano by myself. I heard this loud footsteps, purposefully headed towards me. I turned around and saw him there. He grabbed a chair and came sat next to me. I remember he asked me about the song I was playing a moment ago and then casually invited me to go to a fair that was in town that weekend. I don't remember what I said but I remember my stomach doing flips and my hands trembling when he walked away.

He was by far the handsomest guy on campus. Tall, broad-shouldered with a lean athletic build. He was the football and basketball star. He'd dated one of the prettiest girls on campus. But it had ended badly. Everyone knew. He was dark and brooding. With careless, unkempt hair and swag. He walked around campus carrying serious books like Victor Hugo's Les Misérables. He was a charmer and a rebel. My heart didn't stand a chance.

He asked me out a few times before I finally said yes. It was to the movie Armageddon and I had run out of excuses to say no. Till this day the Aerosmith song 'I don't want to miss a thing' reminds me of him. He terrified me somewhat with his intensity but thrilled me at the same time. I was enthralled. At 19, he was the most enigmatic person I'd ever met.

Of course I fell in love.

It was an incredibly hot, unbelievably passionate and awfully short love affair. The days and nights were a haze of endless conversation and lovemaking. We did it everywhere. Both, the conversation and the love-making. The phrase waking up making love to the wall made complete sense then, as even the nights not spent with him, I would wake up dreaming that he was touching me. One time I was away from campus for a couple of days, and when I got back he was standing at my door with a box of ice-cream. The look on his face was utter need and we didn't make it to the bedroom, the urgency of our need to be with each other so immense.  

And then one day, as if on cue, he broke my heart.

It was tragic. I suffered a kind of pain I had never experienced before. I rebelliously and somewhat stereotypically cropped my hair so short I must have looked like a boy who wore dark red lipstick everywhere. I bawled, weeped, screamed and thought I was going to die from my broken heart. But I didn't. I survived and started dating again. Even falling for someone else.

Things between us would have ended there but by some twist of fate, he walked into my life again. An older, supposedly wiser version of ourselves gave it another shot. It was less intense, he was less brooding. His hair was tidier, a product of conditioning at the workplace and he was less a rebel and more a responsible adult. But I saw sides of him this time that I only saw glimpses of before; his kind, giving and generous side. He wanted to provide for me and take care of me, not just get into my pants. And I fell in love with him all over again. It was like a grown up adaptation of our previous crazy, passionate love affair. I thought myself to be the luckiest girl in the world to have a second chance at my first love. It was my happy ending.

We talked of marriage and a lifetime together. Then, precipitously, I got cold feet. It got too hard, I had to make too many sacrifices, I met someone new. It was my turn to break his heart.

But he survived and moved on like I did the first time around. And yesterday (cheers to you, facebook), I learnt of his engagement with the girl he moved on to. I knew they were serious, but the news did make me somewhat sad, nostalgic and want to listen to Adele.

It was Jeffrey Euginedes who said somewhere that the greatest love stories don't have happy endings. If that were true, I guess this was my great love story.

A, I wish you the best. x

Holiday Sex

A, my ex, before we started our relationship, invited me for a holiday with him to Europe. We were chatting online, and he casually mentioned it. He did not really come right out and ask me. More like 'If I asked you to come here for a holiday.. would you?'. He was in Dusseldorf, I was in KL. Me thinking, he was not serious, said 'yeah, sounds like fun' (insert smiley). But he was serious. And I went. At that point, I did not go expecting to begin a relationship with him. I just wanted to get some action going and of course doing that in Europe didn't hurt. I'd not been with someone for a while and I knew with him, the sex was great, so I thought why the hell not. As it turned out, the sex was great and we ended well wanting to marry each other. Wanting of course. It didn't happen. Obviously. Long distance is bloody stupid. Why I decided to go ahead and be stupid is a story for another day.

But yes. It all started with an invitation for me to go on a holiday with him.

Recently, one of my closest friends Miss X, who is so totally into this guy whom she very recently got to know was put on a spot when he asked her if she would go on a holiday with him. She really likes the guy, so she obviously said yes. But she wasn't sure if by saying yes he automatically assumes they were going to sleep with each other.

When A asked me, I knew I was going to most definitely sleep with him. I'd slept with him before. I knew the sex was gonna be great. But Ms X, as much as she likes him, she's just getting know him, and is not sure if she's ready to jump that far. Yet.

So, being who she is, she set him straight about the sex bit (or at least tried to..)

Ms X: Can I ask you something about our holiday?
Him: What is it?
Ms X: If I go with you, would you be expecting me to sleep with you?
Him: Why would you ask that?
Ms X: I'd like to know
(Giving the obvious answer..)
Him: Of course not!
Ms X: But of course you're going to say that. Would it be a problem with you if we didn't have sex?
Him: Why are you asking these questions? Are you saying you won't go on this holiday with me if that's what I was expecting?
Ms X: I just don't want to lead you on..
Him: So are you saying yes to the holiday, but with a clause?
Ms X: Ha ha. Yea. Something like that.

Anyway, all that talk with her has led me to wonder if an invitation for a holiday is code for an invitation for sex. Is it a given?

My one true love story...

I was amazed at how much emotion reading this old mail brought up. Its been so bloody long since I felt this way and this much..sometimes I wonder if I ever will again..

April 4, 2006
Hi,
I'm not sure you want to hear from me. I do wish there was an easier way to deal with this. But that's wishful thinking. I guess we have our ways of dealing with all the things that happen to us... three weeks. Its been three weeks since we parted and I'm alternating between sadness and relieve. I haven't heard from you since.. haven't spoken to you at all except that brief YM encounter when you told me about how you still couldn't find an apartment. I tried calling you twice but you didn’t answer. Not sure if it was on purpose or you just missed it. Don't really care right now cause honestly what difference is it going to make?

Sadness, I'm sure you can grasp. But relieve..? That night when you told me you were so tired with this whole thing.. I couldn't really understand. I was a little drunk that night but I remember most of what you said. The next day however, though I was crying most of the day, I felt this incredible weight lifted off my shoulders. Is that a bad thing? I mean I didn't realize how much I was pushing myself for us.. didn't realize how tired I was also. I didn't want to loose you.... but I was weirdly grateful for the breather. The time to re-think my priorities. What was it I really wanted?

A, I do love you. Always will I think. Not the kind of love to move mountains obviously...and lately, I'm not sure if I'm capable of such love. Perhaps not. Perhaps, I am also selfish. I gave up as soon as you did. But I've learnt from the past, that holding on to something.. and being the only one to hold on to it..is incredibly stupid. And lets not even get into the heartache that comes from that. I can't. I can't let my heart break for you again. It barely survived before.

I don't have all the answers. When it comes to you I wonder if I'll ever get any answers. Why my heartcraves for you? Why it refuses to listen to logic? So I'm with you on this... I'm also tired of all the damn questions.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss you. I miss you incredibly. The beautiful mornings we woke up to Frank Sinatra in the background and the sleepy nights we slept to Norah Jones's songs playing on your phone...the holding hands and kissing and love making... At times I think I want to just let you go. But then some memory of our time together creeps into my head. The time we spent walking in the art museum in Amsterdam..or that cold night we walked the streets of Paris with your arms around my shoulders. You standing among the crowd in the airport...waiting for me with a smile on your face. The taste of your lips when we kiss for the first time after months being apart. The look on your face when we said goodbye as I boarded the train. You muttered the words 'I'll miss you...' with a helpless look on your face...and tears were streaming down mine. Our walks by the river...in the park...at night. Sitting close and talking to you in that crowded, cramped American restaurant...with their lamp dangling so close to our heads and the very loud music...but I felt so close to you then. And all our other kisses, sometimes not really caring who saw us. Those passionate kisses. God.

So yes, I do miss you. I miss sharing with you my day. How classes went..or how work was or how your day passed. What you had for dinner or how you cooked yourself a meal. As mundane as they were.. I felt close to you. I felt that no matter what happened around me, I had you on my side and because of that I would be okay. I fell asleep everynight with a smile on my face knowing you were mine. I swear I don’t know how reminiscing is going to help either one of us. But I wanted you to know that I have many beautiful memories. You still bring a smile to my face. Aaargh! Can you imagine that?

You have been wonderful and you let me in. I felt it A... Don't write it off. Don't reduce us to just something of the past that you want to get over as soon as possible. I know how you can shut off. You told me and I've seen you do it. I could probably do something about that if I were there. But then we might not be facing this, if that were the case.

I'm not asking you back but I want you to remember me. Remember us. Don't forget how good it was, cause right now, only knowing that will I be able to feel a little better.

I'm fine really...coincidence had it that the very week you decided you wanted out, someone else walked into my life. So I have my distractions as I'm sure you have yours. I don't want any details... and I'll spare you mine.

Just take care my dearest dearest A. Fate, as it turned out gave us a chance to meet again. And what a meeting it was. Too bad we couldn't make it work....

I'm not ready to wish you happiness and love yet :) But one day I will.

Yours. Always.
Me

Long distance

"i sent you this sms but i doubt you got it . i want you to hear it . i dont want to just hear your voice. thats so lame. i wanted to talk about how i was starting my new job tomorrow. i wanted to talk about this guy who gave me a little pillow in a shape of a heart that said 'u r special'. i wanted to know what you felt about that. i wanted to tell you about how my classes are starting again soon. and how i have to face all that again. i wanted to hear how you miss me and why you want me in your life. i wanted to tell you about the movie i watched today and the book i am reading which is really interesting. i wanted to tell you that my hair is growing and it looks longer.. and i have pictures that i took last night. see i had so much to tell you. but you just said bye. yeah..so bye. times like this the distance is overpowering..."