Who am I kidding

I’ve never been able to handle a no strings attached relationship. Friend with benefits, fuck buddies, whatever, I’ve tried them but my emotions get in the way. Almost always. Even when I try to keep it casual, if there’s sex, and if it’s just sex, I just can’t handle it.

The other things I’ve not been able to handle is strictly platonic relationship with guys that I’m really close with or end up getting close to. I’m not talking casual friends you hang out having a beer with once week. I’m talking about the guy that at some point in your life you start depending on for boy advise, for a shoulder to cry on or for getting you home safe after a night of drunken clubbing. He is not your boyfriend (for whatever reasons), but the one you’d call if you got into any car trouble or any trouble at all really.

So, despite knowing all this, I find myself trying to manage a no strings attached, friend with benefit, fuck buddy kinda relationship with Mr. P…..

and against my better judgment, I’ve recently rekindled a kind of tentative friendship with Mr Stupid, someone I’ve failed appallingly at maintaining a strictly platonic relationship with so many, many times before.

Ah well.

Holiday Sex

A, my ex, before we started our relationship, invited me for a holiday with him to Europe. We were chatting online, and he casually mentioned it. He did not really come right out and ask me. More like 'If I asked you to come here for a holiday.. would you?'. He was in Dusseldorf, I was in KL. Me thinking, he was not serious, said 'yeah, sounds like fun' (insert smiley). But he was serious. And I went. At that point, I did not go expecting to begin a relationship with him. I just wanted to get some action going and of course doing that in Europe didn't hurt. I'd not been with someone for a while and I knew with him, the sex was great, so I thought why the hell not. As it turned out, the sex was great and we ended well wanting to marry each other. Wanting of course. It didn't happen. Obviously. Long distance is bloody stupid. Why I decided to go ahead and be stupid is a story for another day.

But yes. It all started with an invitation for me to go on a holiday with him.

Recently, one of my closest friends Miss X, who is so totally into this guy whom she very recently got to know was put on a spot when he asked her if she would go on a holiday with him. She really likes the guy, so she obviously said yes. But she wasn't sure if by saying yes he automatically assumes they were going to sleep with each other.

When A asked me, I knew I was going to most definitely sleep with him. I'd slept with him before. I knew the sex was gonna be great. But Ms X, as much as she likes him, she's just getting know him, and is not sure if she's ready to jump that far. Yet.

So, being who she is, she set him straight about the sex bit (or at least tried to..)

Ms X: Can I ask you something about our holiday?
Him: What is it?
Ms X: If I go with you, would you be expecting me to sleep with you?
Him: Why would you ask that?
Ms X: I'd like to know
(Giving the obvious answer..)
Him: Of course not!
Ms X: But of course you're going to say that. Would it be a problem with you if we didn't have sex?
Him: Why are you asking these questions? Are you saying you won't go on this holiday with me if that's what I was expecting?
Ms X: I just don't want to lead you on..
Him: So are you saying yes to the holiday, but with a clause?
Ms X: Ha ha. Yea. Something like that.

Anyway, all that talk with her has led me to wonder if an invitation for a holiday is code for an invitation for sex. Is it a given?

First kiss

Wikipedia:A kiss is the touching of one person's lips to another place, which is used as an expression of affection, respect, greeting, farewell, good luck, romantic affection or sexual desire. Anthropologists have not reached a conclusion as to whether kissing is learned or a behavior from instinct.

Interesting.

What's in a kiss.

Personally, I’ve not experienced a terrible kiss, uncomfortable yes, forgetable definitely. But not terrible…though my last kiss over the weekend, I believe is going to make me regret it. He was coughing apparently from some bug, but I kissed him anyway. And then I woke up this morning with a scratchy throat. Fucking caught the bug.. stupid me.

But anyway, I digress.

What's interesting is it isn't clear if kissing was learned or from instinct. I mean if I didn’t watch all those people french kissing on tv or reading about it on those romance novels, would I ever have indulged in it?
I remember being sixteen and wondering when on earth was I going to experience my 1st real kiss. A good proper french kiss. The ones that curled your toes. Like in the romance novels.

Some of my friends at school were already making out with boys but not me… being a late bloomer and all that. One time, I remember being asked by a classmate (I forget who) about whether I’ve kissed a boy. I lied and said yes.. though I hadn’t and desperately wanted to.

Anyway, my time came the following year, when all the major exams were behind me (this was the result of my typical strict asian upbringing.. my life those days basically centered around all the major exams in school). Also I didn’t meet that many boys as I was in an all girls school, but with the exams behind me and an almost urgent need to be kissed, I somehow stumbled upon the opportunity.

I was in Mc Donalds having lunch one day with my girlfrriends and we noticed this bunch of boys a few tables away..so anyway, yadayadayada.. long story short.. I’m suddenly in love with this guy who was 4 years older than me. At 17 that was a lot of years and he was a bad boy of sorts..tall dark and handsome with a big bike.

He kissed me for the 1st time in the cinema. We were seated right at the back and the place was pretty empty.. I remember my heart beating furiously and I was so nervous. Somehow I knew that was the day he was going to kiss me although we’d been to the cinema so many times before and nothing ever happened. Instinct I guess. Or the fact that he was sitting so close almost breathing into the side of my face and he kept looking at me instead of watching the movie. Next thing I know, I turned and his lips were on mine. And it tasted… of cigarettes! And it was very wet. My toes didn’t curl or anything. Then he started kissing my ears and my neck which I liked it better cause I couldn’t smell the foul smelling cigarette odour when he kissed those places..

Didn't love my first kiss but at least I wasn't the only 17 year old who’d never been kissed.

My one true love story...

I was amazed at how much emotion reading this old mail brought up. Its been so bloody long since I felt this way and this much..sometimes I wonder if I ever will again..

April 4, 2006
Hi,
I'm not sure you want to hear from me. I do wish there was an easier way to deal with this. But that's wishful thinking. I guess we have our ways of dealing with all the things that happen to us... three weeks. Its been three weeks since we parted and I'm alternating between sadness and relieve. I haven't heard from you since.. haven't spoken to you at all except that brief YM encounter when you told me about how you still couldn't find an apartment. I tried calling you twice but you didn’t answer. Not sure if it was on purpose or you just missed it. Don't really care right now cause honestly what difference is it going to make?

Sadness, I'm sure you can grasp. But relieve..? That night when you told me you were so tired with this whole thing.. I couldn't really understand. I was a little drunk that night but I remember most of what you said. The next day however, though I was crying most of the day, I felt this incredible weight lifted off my shoulders. Is that a bad thing? I mean I didn't realize how much I was pushing myself for us.. didn't realize how tired I was also. I didn't want to loose you.... but I was weirdly grateful for the breather. The time to re-think my priorities. What was it I really wanted?

A, I do love you. Always will I think. Not the kind of love to move mountains obviously...and lately, I'm not sure if I'm capable of such love. Perhaps not. Perhaps, I am also selfish. I gave up as soon as you did. But I've learnt from the past, that holding on to something.. and being the only one to hold on to it..is incredibly stupid. And lets not even get into the heartache that comes from that. I can't. I can't let my heart break for you again. It barely survived before.

I don't have all the answers. When it comes to you I wonder if I'll ever get any answers. Why my heartcraves for you? Why it refuses to listen to logic? So I'm with you on this... I'm also tired of all the damn questions.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss you. I miss you incredibly. The beautiful mornings we woke up to Frank Sinatra in the background and the sleepy nights we slept to Norah Jones's songs playing on your phone...the holding hands and kissing and love making... At times I think I want to just let you go. But then some memory of our time together creeps into my head. The time we spent walking in the art museum in Amsterdam..or that cold night we walked the streets of Paris with your arms around my shoulders. You standing among the crowd in the airport...waiting for me with a smile on your face. The taste of your lips when we kiss for the first time after months being apart. The look on your face when we said goodbye as I boarded the train. You muttered the words 'I'll miss you...' with a helpless look on your face...and tears were streaming down mine. Our walks by the river...in the park...at night. Sitting close and talking to you in that crowded, cramped American restaurant...with their lamp dangling so close to our heads and the very loud music...but I felt so close to you then. And all our other kisses, sometimes not really caring who saw us. Those passionate kisses. God.

So yes, I do miss you. I miss sharing with you my day. How classes went..or how work was or how your day passed. What you had for dinner or how you cooked yourself a meal. As mundane as they were.. I felt close to you. I felt that no matter what happened around me, I had you on my side and because of that I would be okay. I fell asleep everynight with a smile on my face knowing you were mine. I swear I don’t know how reminiscing is going to help either one of us. But I wanted you to know that I have many beautiful memories. You still bring a smile to my face. Aaargh! Can you imagine that?

You have been wonderful and you let me in. I felt it A... Don't write it off. Don't reduce us to just something of the past that you want to get over as soon as possible. I know how you can shut off. You told me and I've seen you do it. I could probably do something about that if I were there. But then we might not be facing this, if that were the case.

I'm not asking you back but I want you to remember me. Remember us. Don't forget how good it was, cause right now, only knowing that will I be able to feel a little better.

I'm fine really...coincidence had it that the very week you decided you wanted out, someone else walked into my life. So I have my distractions as I'm sure you have yours. I don't want any details... and I'll spare you mine.

Just take care my dearest dearest A. Fate, as it turned out gave us a chance to meet again. And what a meeting it was. Too bad we couldn't make it work....

I'm not ready to wish you happiness and love yet :) But one day I will.

Yours. Always.
Me

Why dating hiatuses are bad for you...

I’d been on a dating hiatus mostly cause the last few dates I’d had were crap. Nothing special, no connection, no chemistry. Just plain downright crap.

Hence, without consciously deciding to do so, I took a break from it all – the dating scene. Did it feel good? No, not really. I just had a lot more time for work, got buried in it. And I basically hid myself away from the world. No boys for 2 whole months.

2 weeks ago Mr. Photographer (we’ll call him Mr. P) texted me. Mr. P is someone I slept with once 3 or 4 years ago when I was on a rebound from one of my relationships. We’ve not really been in touch except for a few texted messages exchanged over the span of the last 3 or 4 years. I met him once this year for drinks in February, I think, and we kissed. But I didn’t hear from him after. Nothing new.

Anyway, this last text message which came in 2 weeks ago which was the usual ‘You busy?’ message that came in at almost mid-night, I replied and we made plans to meet up which kept getting cancelled till we finally met for drinks at a German bar last week. There was something different about this meet-up cause we ended up talking, like really, really talking. I don’t know if it was because of the hiatus, or the long-string of bad dates or my feeling lonely, but we ended up talking about why we never dated and why shouldn’t we date (maybe?). He’s cute. With a very nice body, with a pierced nipple – but hey, who am I to judge. And he found me sexy. So, we kissed again (more passionately I thought somehow than I remembered from before) and he said he’ll call. And when the idea was put into my head (about why we shouldn’t date – maybe?), all I could think about for the next few days was just that!

Why not? I asked myself. Of course there were a hundred and one reasons including the fact that he’s 40, a bit of a hobo, lived in a house that screamed I could up and leave anytime I wish. It came with a yellow patched up sofa. Nice photos on the wall though thanks to the artist in him.

But did all of that stop me from wondering if this might not be the best idea.

A big fucking NO!

My mind just turned oblivious to all of the facts and started entertaining romantic notions of how nice it’d be to date a ‘free-willed’ person such as he. Sounded better in my head than hobo.

I was so pre-occupied with these thoughts for 2 whole days that it slipped me that he hadn’t call. And when he did get in touch again, it was another text close to midnight asking me to ‘come over if I wasn’t busy’. I went. We watched a movie, made out and I left.

The next day (you’d think I’d have gotten some sense by now) but no I was still stuck in my god-knows-what bubble; I texted him asking him to come to my office to meet me for lunch. Thinking, maybe I should be the one to well, perhaps steer him away from the midnight messages. Maybe if he sees me in daylight, he’ll notice there’s more to me than ‘midnight booty call’ (though there hadn’t been much booty between us – only that one time 3 or 4 years ago). Whatever.

He came. We had lunch in Starbucks. We talked. Laughed a bit. Then ran out of things to say to each other. I brushed it off then, thinking it was nothing - but my bubble has burst since.

He didn’t/ hasn’t called. What was I expecting really?

Lesson I learnt here (you’d think I’d know this by now): don’t mix up the 11 o’clock texts to mean anything more. Even if he might have been the one to suggest the ‘maybe there’s more’. Whatever his reasons may have been - maybe he was feeling lonely too, or he was on a rebound this time, a ‘You busy?’ text is well exactly just that. It’s so astoundingly stupid to read more into it.

So why did I? Who the fuck knows. I blame it on the lack of dating/ meeting new men. Hiatuses from dating are just bad for you. Makes you think up all sorts of stupid things.

I don’t feel any resentment towards Mr. P. Really. This was all just in my head.

Phuket

I was running up a flight of stairways, he was right behind me. A cool breeze blew, swishing the green ultra flare skirt I was wearing up as I ran up the stairs. The breeze tasted salty.

When I reached the top of the staircase, I turned around and looked at him. He gave me a sheepish grin. Both of us knew what we wanted, what was going to come next and the anticipation was killing us. Only, we had to pretend that nothing was happening. For the benefit of our colleagues. It was a company trip afterall and to avoid being the topic of the office grapevine, it was best to keep things...keep this thing under wraps. Whatever this was.

I looked at him standing one step below me, still smiling, his eyes crinkling at the sides, the way it always does when he smiles. I leaned across and kissed him lightly on the lips. I couldn't help it.

He put his hands on my waist and twirled me around trying to push me forward. I moved reluctantly, my feet dragging. "We're late... move it" he said.

"Don't want" I said laughingly, still dragging my feet as he tried to push me harder.

"Move it... lazy girl" he said giving me a hard smack on my behind and a cause to start a pretend fight.

And before I could do anything and as if he read my mind, he grabbed both my hands and said "Not now... we have plenty of time for this later".

I wanted to say something to retaliate but caught myself nodding instead. And smiling both of us walked across the hotel lobby towards the grand ballroom where our company dinner had already started.

The “new” effect

I was watching a tv progamme yesterday that got me thinking about the “new'” effect in relationships. About the excitement and fun that comes with 'newness' which does not last long and fades away in time.

We probably have many names for it, the 6 month itch or the honeymoon period, etc. but I guess it all boils down to the fact that - what starts off as something new, thrilling and exciting will always fade into something…well...old. There is no avoiding it.

When things are still new, we're all out to impress and please. We're on our best behaviours especially the wooing party which most likely would be the man. He’d probably go out of his way to satisfy your whims and fancies. And you’d probably go out of your way making him feel that he’s an amazing guy to be doing all that. But how long does this last?

Back to the tv programme, this couple who started off great, had so much fun in the beginning, ended up fighting and arguing about the littlest things. They were sitting across each other at dinner one night and she asks him.. ‘What happened to us? We used to be so much fun… you used to eat noodles off my back forgodsake! And now….’

And I could relate. When I think back to some of the relationships I’ve had, there is always this turning point when the things you did together just stopped being as fun, the things you said as funny, and the time spent together as exciting. What you might have tolerated before becomes not as tolerable anymore. And the worst is when you see him not doing the same things for you as he did before. When he starts saying no to the things he would not have hesitated to say yes to and when he’d rather be out with his buddies when once he’d have blown them off to be with you.

In all honesty, I’ve never been able to reconcile this. When this happened to me, I remember getting really worked up. Of course being caught up in the relationship and never being able to see it from the outside, my responses have typically been picking up fights, storming off after the fights and then becoming needy with lines such as ‘you don’t care about me anymore…’.

Which leads me to wonder, how do couples move past this? How do they decide, ‘Look, I know the whole “new” deal is over, but I still want to be with you’ and make it work? How do you get past the fact that he might rather be out with other people than with you… or that you can’t find much to talk about anymore when once two hour conversations flew by in a flash…or …when you don’t just want to lie in and laze in each others company anymore? What do you do, when the newness gets old?

Long distance

"i sent you this sms but i doubt you got it . i want you to hear it . i dont want to just hear your voice. thats so lame. i wanted to talk about how i was starting my new job tomorrow. i wanted to talk about this guy who gave me a little pillow in a shape of a heart that said 'u r special'. i wanted to know what you felt about that. i wanted to tell you about how my classes are starting again soon. and how i have to face all that again. i wanted to hear how you miss me and why you want me in your life. i wanted to tell you about the movie i watched today and the book i am reading which is really interesting. i wanted to tell you that my hair is growing and it looks longer.. and i have pictures that i took last night. see i had so much to tell you. but you just said bye. yeah..so bye. times like this the distance is overpowering..."

The simple life

I wish I were less complicated. One of those easily pleased people whose needs are simple. Undemanding. Light. Unfortunately (for me), I am everything but.

I was driving through a palm oil estate earlier, and I saw some kids run by the side of the road laughing and I felt a twinge of wistfulness. When was the last time I felt that carefree? Then I saw a lady drying her clothes on a wire outside her house. And I wondered what her problems might be. Children. Husband. Dinner. I’m just guessing.

I asked myself if I could live here. Like this. In an estate, surrounded by palm oil trees, the nearest town perhaps a 30km drive, and far away from civilization. My version of civilization that is; in the likes of high rise offices, heavy traffic, oversized shopping malls,each new one larger than the last and clubs that stay open till 5am. My automatic response was no way.

But when I think about it, I wonder why not? Is it because I’d actually miss the shopping malls which I can’t stand going to on the weekends because they get just so offensively crowded? Or would I miss being stuck in the horrendous traffic at any given hour in KL? Perhaps I’d miss out on the rat race - the thrill of working in an office from sunrise to dusk, doing a job that brings so little meaning to anyones life least alone mine, dealing with irksome demands by the bosses and incessant deadlines which if you miss, spells the end of the world. But hey, if I pull out now – whose going to pay for my car or the new service residence I want to buy? And what about the weekend parties… the all night clubbing and drinking till dawn, celebrating the end of a tiresome, seemingly endless week?

I guess, I have been programmed to fit this lifestyle regardless how unhappy it might be making me. I’m stuck with a bunch of financial commitments including a loan that paid for my education which led to my line of work, which got me caught up in the rat race that fed a greedy dream to be successful. And along the way bought some bullshit on how living this life, wearing these shoes, driving this car, carrying this handbag and living in this condo is the definition of success.

What a fucking joke.

Little miss cynical

I guess it has been a long time coming. Inevitable really. The cynic in me rising and rising, becoming more difficult to shut up with every passing date. Every passing guy.

'K' the guy I went out on a my 1st ever blind date

Background: He was someone with a speech disorder. He began and ended each sentence with the phrase 'you know or not'. I didn't pick it up at first because he utters it really fast but I really had to hold in my horrified laughter when he uttered it to the waiter while placing his order. It went something like "you know or not.. I'd like a glass of beer...you know or not" which of course left the waiter giving him a confused look. Anyway, despite this major impairment (in my books) I went on to entertain his calls and smses subsequent to the date.

What went wrong: He just couldn't bloody ask me out. And that is just such a big turn off. He gave me hints, called me usually around dinner time and kept asking where I was - but never came right out and asked me out. Why don't men get that hints just don't cut it. If you like her just ask her out. Seriously whats the worst that could happen? The damnest thing here is I might have met him again if he asked...speech disorder and all!

Conclusion: Boy with no guts (and no friends who cared enough to suggest speech theraphy to him)

Mr. Bangkok (my 2nd fix-up)

Background: Okay, I actually enjoyed my date with this dude. He was funny. Charming. Nice smile and all. We talked, we laughed and I was actually pretty comfortable. However, at one point as we were ordering food, I asked him if he had a preference as we wanted to share a bite, he told me "I'm easy". Uh oh. Too familiar. That is what Mr. Stupid always said to me whenever we ordered. Of course I tried to brushoff that momentary lapse into the past, but as I sat before him after that, everything started reminding me of him. And I remember thinking to myself - now you know why so comfortable. Fuck.

So what went wrong: Hmmm.. now let me see. Other than the fact that he reminded me of a certain someone else, I thought Mr. Bangkok had potential. He even had good follow up getting in touch with me the following day. But after one exchange of email back and forth (he lives in Bangkok), I haven't heard from him since. And its been about 3 weeks...

Conclusion: Long-distance is a no go.

Mr McDreamy

Background: Also another fix me up. But I was actually excited about this one (he was a neurosurgeon). Having McDreamy ideas in my head, I actually prettied myself up deciding to wear a dress instead of my usual jeans. Shallow of me to judge a guy based on his profession - of course i got bit in the ass later for this cause turns out even if you're a fucking brain doctor, you can be as clueless and dense as half the male population out there. Anyway, the date - I was pleasantly surprised that he was good looking (no McDreamy of course) and tall. With a really, really nice smile and down-to-earth feel. So down-to-earth that I felt a little overdressed. He was in a collared t-shirt and dockers. So much for dressing up for a saturday night date with a neurosurgeon. The conversation we had was decent. The flirtation wasn't too bad either. He asked for my number at the end. Walked me down the street to where my friends were at after the date and said good-bye.

What went wrong: I don't know. I initiated contact about 2 days after the date thinking that maybe this time around some effort on my part might be good especially since I liked the guy. He responded politely. And that was it. For a guy who so enthusiastically asked for my number during the date, this lack of enthusiasm after was more than a little perplexing. Which left me wondering if maybe I was bad at reading these signals.

Conclusion: He's just not that into ?

Typing out the above has exhausted me. I mean seriously, is it me or is it that these are generally the men that are left out there?

Hangovers

I'm sitting in bed suffering from a horrible hangover. I didn't think I had that much to drink - but apparently I had. And on an empty stomach.

Last night I was on this Disney on Ice date which turned out to be pretty good...very PG rated. And later clubbing which wasn't on the initial itenirary.

Crap. I can't hold on to my train of thoughts right now. And I feel a headache creeping in. My stomach is churning. I have been in bed the whole day feeling like this.

Alcohol is bad. It just leaves too many bad tastes in your mouth. When will I learn!

Blind date virgin

I have a date tomorrow. More specifically a blind date. And this would mark my official first blind date.

Why I actually agreed to this is a whole other story!

I don't know much about him (lets call him 'K') except that he is in his early thirties, an engineer and he goes to the gym.

I'd like to say I'm going with zero expectation but that would be a lie. I'm hoping he'd be cute enough and funny enough to keep me entertained during the night. And nice enough that I would want to go out with him again. Well, a girl can hope!

Here's keeping my fingers crossed.