My one true love story...

I was amazed at how much emotion reading this old mail brought up. Its been so bloody long since I felt this way and this much..sometimes I wonder if I ever will again..

April 4, 2006
Hi,
I'm not sure you want to hear from me. I do wish there was an easier way to deal with this. But that's wishful thinking. I guess we have our ways of dealing with all the things that happen to us... three weeks. Its been three weeks since we parted and I'm alternating between sadness and relieve. I haven't heard from you since.. haven't spoken to you at all except that brief YM encounter when you told me about how you still couldn't find an apartment. I tried calling you twice but you didn’t answer. Not sure if it was on purpose or you just missed it. Don't really care right now cause honestly what difference is it going to make?

Sadness, I'm sure you can grasp. But relieve..? That night when you told me you were so tired with this whole thing.. I couldn't really understand. I was a little drunk that night but I remember most of what you said. The next day however, though I was crying most of the day, I felt this incredible weight lifted off my shoulders. Is that a bad thing? I mean I didn't realize how much I was pushing myself for us.. didn't realize how tired I was also. I didn't want to loose you.... but I was weirdly grateful for the breather. The time to re-think my priorities. What was it I really wanted?

A, I do love you. Always will I think. Not the kind of love to move mountains obviously...and lately, I'm not sure if I'm capable of such love. Perhaps not. Perhaps, I am also selfish. I gave up as soon as you did. But I've learnt from the past, that holding on to something.. and being the only one to hold on to it..is incredibly stupid. And lets not even get into the heartache that comes from that. I can't. I can't let my heart break for you again. It barely survived before.

I don't have all the answers. When it comes to you I wonder if I'll ever get any answers. Why my heartcraves for you? Why it refuses to listen to logic? So I'm with you on this... I'm also tired of all the damn questions.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss you. I miss you incredibly. The beautiful mornings we woke up to Frank Sinatra in the background and the sleepy nights we slept to Norah Jones's songs playing on your phone...the holding hands and kissing and love making... At times I think I want to just let you go. But then some memory of our time together creeps into my head. The time we spent walking in the art museum in Amsterdam..or that cold night we walked the streets of Paris with your arms around my shoulders. You standing among the crowd in the airport...waiting for me with a smile on your face. The taste of your lips when we kiss for the first time after months being apart. The look on your face when we said goodbye as I boarded the train. You muttered the words 'I'll miss you...' with a helpless look on your face...and tears were streaming down mine. Our walks by the river...in the park...at night. Sitting close and talking to you in that crowded, cramped American restaurant...with their lamp dangling so close to our heads and the very loud music...but I felt so close to you then. And all our other kisses, sometimes not really caring who saw us. Those passionate kisses. God.

So yes, I do miss you. I miss sharing with you my day. How classes went..or how work was or how your day passed. What you had for dinner or how you cooked yourself a meal. As mundane as they were.. I felt close to you. I felt that no matter what happened around me, I had you on my side and because of that I would be okay. I fell asleep everynight with a smile on my face knowing you were mine. I swear I don’t know how reminiscing is going to help either one of us. But I wanted you to know that I have many beautiful memories. You still bring a smile to my face. Aaargh! Can you imagine that?

You have been wonderful and you let me in. I felt it A... Don't write it off. Don't reduce us to just something of the past that you want to get over as soon as possible. I know how you can shut off. You told me and I've seen you do it. I could probably do something about that if I were there. But then we might not be facing this, if that were the case.

I'm not asking you back but I want you to remember me. Remember us. Don't forget how good it was, cause right now, only knowing that will I be able to feel a little better.

I'm fine really...coincidence had it that the very week you decided you wanted out, someone else walked into my life. So I have my distractions as I'm sure you have yours. I don't want any details... and I'll spare you mine.

Just take care my dearest dearest A. Fate, as it turned out gave us a chance to meet again. And what a meeting it was. Too bad we couldn't make it work....

I'm not ready to wish you happiness and love yet :) But one day I will.

Yours. Always.
Me

Why dating hiatuses are bad for you...

I’d been on a dating hiatus mostly cause the last few dates I’d had were crap. Nothing special, no connection, no chemistry. Just plain downright crap.

Hence, without consciously deciding to do so, I took a break from it all – the dating scene. Did it feel good? No, not really. I just had a lot more time for work, got buried in it. And I basically hid myself away from the world. No boys for 2 whole months.

2 weeks ago Mr. Photographer (we’ll call him Mr. P) texted me. Mr. P is someone I slept with once 3 or 4 years ago when I was on a rebound from one of my relationships. We’ve not really been in touch except for a few texted messages exchanged over the span of the last 3 or 4 years. I met him once this year for drinks in February, I think, and we kissed. But I didn’t hear from him after. Nothing new.

Anyway, this last text message which came in 2 weeks ago which was the usual ‘You busy?’ message that came in at almost mid-night, I replied and we made plans to meet up which kept getting cancelled till we finally met for drinks at a German bar last week. There was something different about this meet-up cause we ended up talking, like really, really talking. I don’t know if it was because of the hiatus, or the long-string of bad dates or my feeling lonely, but we ended up talking about why we never dated and why shouldn’t we date (maybe?). He’s cute. With a very nice body, with a pierced nipple – but hey, who am I to judge. And he found me sexy. So, we kissed again (more passionately I thought somehow than I remembered from before) and he said he’ll call. And when the idea was put into my head (about why we shouldn’t date – maybe?), all I could think about for the next few days was just that!

Why not? I asked myself. Of course there were a hundred and one reasons including the fact that he’s 40, a bit of a hobo, lived in a house that screamed I could up and leave anytime I wish. It came with a yellow patched up sofa. Nice photos on the wall though thanks to the artist in him.

But did all of that stop me from wondering if this might not be the best idea.

A big fucking NO!

My mind just turned oblivious to all of the facts and started entertaining romantic notions of how nice it’d be to date a ‘free-willed’ person such as he. Sounded better in my head than hobo.

I was so pre-occupied with these thoughts for 2 whole days that it slipped me that he hadn’t call. And when he did get in touch again, it was another text close to midnight asking me to ‘come over if I wasn’t busy’. I went. We watched a movie, made out and I left.

The next day (you’d think I’d have gotten some sense by now) but no I was still stuck in my god-knows-what bubble; I texted him asking him to come to my office to meet me for lunch. Thinking, maybe I should be the one to well, perhaps steer him away from the midnight messages. Maybe if he sees me in daylight, he’ll notice there’s more to me than ‘midnight booty call’ (though there hadn’t been much booty between us – only that one time 3 or 4 years ago). Whatever.

He came. We had lunch in Starbucks. We talked. Laughed a bit. Then ran out of things to say to each other. I brushed it off then, thinking it was nothing - but my bubble has burst since.

He didn’t/ hasn’t called. What was I expecting really?

Lesson I learnt here (you’d think I’d know this by now): don’t mix up the 11 o’clock texts to mean anything more. Even if he might have been the one to suggest the ‘maybe there’s more’. Whatever his reasons may have been - maybe he was feeling lonely too, or he was on a rebound this time, a ‘You busy?’ text is well exactly just that. It’s so astoundingly stupid to read more into it.

So why did I? Who the fuck knows. I blame it on the lack of dating/ meeting new men. Hiatuses from dating are just bad for you. Makes you think up all sorts of stupid things.

I don’t feel any resentment towards Mr. P. Really. This was all just in my head.